Jeez, I feel differently by the hour, maybe the minute. Now I think this is going to be harder than I thought. I'm starting to think it may be a stupid idea, that I'm going to get involved in an unneeded confrontation. That I should just call her and tell her to meet me somewhere. Fuck it. I'm going to do this, not analyze it because it won't hold up, won't hold up at all. I'm just gonna do it.
It's six-thirty. If I leave now, I'll get to Old Westbury around dinnertime, the best chance to catch them all together. Christ, the car's filthy but if I get it washed I'll be late. Late, that's a funny word to use under the circumstances. Plan-- it'll mess up my plan. That's more like it. And what a plan it is. Burst in on the man who fired me and who freaked when he found out what had been going on between his daughter and me. Shit, imagine if I dropped everything that I could on him? His daughter's proclivities, Jim's secret. My theory about him and Ruthless.
Fuck, how the hell did all this happen? There's the Wantagh State Parkway, let me get on it. No radio, no CD player tonight. I really should plan out what I'm going to say if they let me speak. They may not; maybe Kathy will say she was stupid for ever getting involved me with. Get this jerk out of here. Nah, she's strange but I believe she loves me, I really do.
I think the word is way overused, but I think I'm going to get some closure tonight. If I could get a degree of it with my childhood, my fucked-up, whacked-out childhood, I ought to be able to figure out a way to either get back with the first woman I've ever really loved, or at least end it with some class. I forgive her. I really forgive her, and I think that's a good thing.
Forgive, what a great word. I've never even considered using it in the context of myself before. I guess it's strange but with all the crap I went through as a kid I never felt a NEED to forgive. But I forgive the Caputos. I forgive the Hornings. I don't forgive the Brauns-- there's nothing to forgive there. They were what they were; they did the best they could considering they were emotionally challenged.
Wow, there's the exit for Old Country Road coming up. Should I take it, it's a little longer to Jack's house this way? Yeah, the plan is to be there at seven and it's still only a quarter of. This way I'll have to drive through the town of Westbury, right past Scully Sales. Or what used to be Scully Sales.
There's the building. Christ, they took the name down already. Man, whenever we needed the owner to fix something it took him weeks, the "For Rent" sign is up in three days. Why should I be shocked?
I've never been in Jack's neighborhood when it wasn't dark. It's close to seven o'clock, and I'm actually enjoying the ride. Let me tell you, Woodbury's nice but this is really something. These houses, every one of them are what I'd call a mansion. Looks like they have at least an acre each, big old trees, much more natural looking than the Woodbury neighborhood that the Brauns aspired to. But they're happy, that's something else I found out about them during that journey. When all this is settled I'm going to call them and take them up on their dinner offer. Jesus Christ, I never asked them about Bobbi! Fine, that'll make great dinner conversation.
Okay, here's his block, a quick right and there it is. Wait a minute, holy shit! There's yellow tape around their property and a cop car sitting out in front. There's the old man's Mercedes and there's Kathy's Jag. Is that Jim's car across the street? Damn, I'm not sure. Easy, Sean, take it easy, any burglar worth a damn knows this is a prime area, maybe they just got robbed.
"Excuse me, officer. I'm a friend of the family. Can you tell me what happened?"
"I'm not exactly sure, I just relieved another guy. I know there was a death, forensics just finished inside. I've got to walk you up and find out if they want to see you." I'm shaking and he notices.
"Take it easy, come on." I'm walking two steps behind him, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
"Come on, the door's open. Hello in there, it's Officer Stroud, you've got a visitor." I'm praying that I see Kathy in the next five seconds. Shit, it's the maid.
"What's your name, buddy?"
"Sean Murphy."
"Please tell the people you work for there's a Sean Murphy to see them." I want to ask her who died but my lips are frozen. What's taking it so long? Can't somebody come out here and tell me it's not Kathy? There's Mary Scully.
"Oh, Sean..." she's crying in my arms.
"I'll leave you guys now." I'm wishing the cop would stay, I don't want to hear what I know she's going to be telling me in a few seconds. I've got my arms around her and she's sobbing. Now I feel as if I'm going to pass out.
"Murph, how the hell did you find out so fast?" It's Jim, and he's not crying. I don't understand, I think that must be good.
"I didn't find anything out, I just came over to see..."
"Sean, oh Sean." It's Kathy, and she's sobbing. Thank God. Jim is easing Mary Scully out of my arms. I'm holding Kathy, I've stopped trembling but she hasn't stopped crying. I think I know what happened. I can see Jim; he's mouthing the word Jack. "Come on, let's go outside for a walk." We're walking, but I'm basically carrying her. I'm going to take her around the back. I remember there's some chairs and benches there.
"Sean, it was terrible. Mother and I were in the kitchen helping Mrs. Bianco make dinner when we heard a shot." She's shaking.
"Here, sit down. Take it easy, you don't need to say anything."
"He shot himself, Sean. He put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. My God, how could he do that? He knew I loved him. Whatever else was going on in his life, he must have known I loved him."
"I'm positive that's the one thing he was sure of. It just wasn't enough."
"I'm trying to think when I last told him that I loved him. I can't remember, Murph, I can't remember." She's sobbing again and I'm holding her.
"Easy now, he knew, that's what matters. You told him a million times, didn't you?
"But I don't remember the last one. Oh, Sean." We're quiet, I can feel a chill in the air, but she feels so wonderful in my arms.
Several minutes have gone by, and she's not crying anymore.
"Will he go to heaven, Sean?"
"If there's a heaven, we're all going. I've always felt that." She's quiet again. The wind is kicking up and I'm very cold but I'd stay here forever.
"I've missed you so much. I'm so sorry, I don't blame you for being disgusted with me. I was stupid, I'm so sorry. I've been crying myself to sleep every night since I did it. Can you forgive me?"
"I forgive you. It's over, we're not going to talk about it again."
"I love you, Sean. You're all that matters now -- you know?"
"We're all that matters."
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Material Copyright © 1998-2003 by Jim Bearden