It was three weeks from the day Jim told me he had the deal cooked up with B&H, when he called me upstairs to give me an update. I walked in to his office as Ruthless was saying goodnight.
"I'll see you in the morning, Jim." Without slowing down, she walked by me and gave me her good-bye.
"Good night, Sean." With her usual warmth.
"She's not your biggest fan, is she?"
"Oh, she hates my guts all right. Funny thing is, I've never quite figured out why."
"You didn't kiss her ass enough when you were a peon-- simple as that. Fuck her. Listen, before we talk about the deal, what's up with you and your sex kitten?"
"I'm gonna tell her you called her that. But, we're cool-- why do you ask?"
"No particular reason-- it's just that it used to be 'Kathy this', and 'Kathy that', and why the hell is she doing or not doing something. You've been quiet, that's all."
"Well, we have a real relationship now, she knows all about me, and I think I know most everything there is to know about her. And I think we love each other. I mean, we say that, we both think it. Jeez, I've never said all those words out loud before-- they sound strange."
"Don't worry about it-- just make sure you don't tell Jack. Anyway, you're just feeling the first pangs of commitment fright. And I bet you guys haven't committed to a damn thing, have you?"
"As a matter of fact, no. Enough about that stuff-- tell me about B&H."
"The deal is done-- all but one of their principles are going along with it. Scully's going to announce it on Friday Get all your people in. It'll go into effect a week from Monday."
"How many of the guys, Jim? Please tell me it's a big number."
"All the headquarters sales reps, and thirty-five of your people. You have how many left, about forty?"
"Forty-two, but a couple are looking for an excuse to retire, and I do have a few lazy bastards who I won't be too broken-hearted to see out of work. This is great, man-- a lot of people are going to owe you. Especially Scully, I'll bet. The son-of-a-bitch is going to make out real well on this, isn't he?"
"Money to money, Sean. Yeah he'll get a little under a mill, for nothing really. For running his business into the ground and selling his lines to the highest bidder. He's such a dick, but what can you do? At least we've got the guys jobs."
"How many of our principles do the B&H guys figure they'll still have, say a year from now?"
"Good question-- they've all said they'll give them at least six months to show they can sell their lines. If they stick to that, I think, with the old man out of the way, we can get most of them back on track. And as I told you, you'll be the heir apparent to the throne at retail. Let's have a smoke."
"How about some other room, Jim? This place is like a coffin."
"Yeah, you're right. Come on-- we'll walk down to Dunking' Donuts and smoke our brains out on the way."
A smoke, a cup of coffee, and a couple of jelly donuts later, we were back in the parking lot. Jim's parking space is next to Scully's, putting him right next to the entrance. By the time I got to my car, Jim was gone. Too bad-- I hate to be alone when I find I've got a flat tire.
I hadn't fixed one in years, so I called Triple-A and waited. In those twenty or thirty minutes I did something I had been trying, with a fair amount of success, not to do. I took stock, often a dangerous proposition. But this time-- and God knows, I tried-- I couldn't find anything to get me concerned. My job, Kathy, even the future looked bright. Granted, Kathy's sudden position paper on her feelings about marriage wasn't thrilling, but perhaps the little thoughts that were creeping into my head before that were premature. Or just flat-out wrong. There was no hurry, I thought-- let's see what she's going to do with herself while I move my career along at a company that's going someplace, not running out the string.
When the Triple-A guy got there, I was so happy to see him that I tried to give him a ten before he even had me hooked up to his truck. Of course, how stupid did I feel when he dropped me and my car off at a service station not more than a five-minute walk away? But I was still smiling when I got home at about six-thirty, to find Kathy's voice on my answering machine.
"I'll be over at seven-thirty. I've got to speak to you about something important. Don't go anywhere-- wait for me. Even if I'm a little late, just wait." Uh oh, I thought. Her version of 'we've got to talk.' Never, ever a good thing.
It was almost nine o'clock by the time she got to my place. I hadn't eaten anything since the jelly donut; my refrigerator was in its usual state, hollow. I saw her pull up, and intercepted her at the curb.
"Let's go somewhere to eat. I'm starving-- you can lay whatever it is on me at Mahoney's."
"No, not Mahoney's-- we need someplace quiet. How about the diner?" I was too hungry to argue, but she was getting me more worried by the moment. And, as it turned out, with good reason.
"Sean, we've got a problem. But I've got a solution." She was speaking faster than normal, and she looked ashen.
"Easy now, take it easy. Okay, what's the big problem?"
"I'm pregnant. A little over two months-- and before you ask, I took the home test and I went to my gynecologist. There's no doubt, Sean. I'm sorry."
"What the hell do you mean, you're sorry? I'm as responsible as you are, don't you think? How long have you known?"
"I found out yesterday. I wanted to think about it a little before I told you. I've decided I'm going to get an abortion, but I wanted to speak to you before I did it."
"Whoa, slow down. I know you don't want to put something like that off, but we have a little time. Don't you think we ought to think about it together, discuss the options? I'm not saying it's not your decision, but what's the rush?" If anything, she looked whiter than a few minutes before.
"Sean, what options? What am I going to do with a baby? Raise it in my father's house? I'm going to be a mother full-time-- that's my life? Come on, imagine you're me."
"I understand, but imagine you're me."
"What does that mean, I'm the one with the problem."
"Maybe I'd like to have a child. Maybe I'd like you to be my wife. Did you ever think about that?"
"You never said anything about that. Why would you start that stuff now?"
"First of all, I think you knew I was getting close to at least broaching the subject, when you gave me your little 'I can't imagine myself ever getting married' speech. Secondly, we are supposedly in love, aren't we? We do say that enough to each other. And it's been-- well, I don't really know how to figure the time we've been together--where do we start counting from? But it's been a while." I was smiling, but I couldn't get her to take that look off of her face, I can still see it now. I was soon to understand what that look meant.
"I didn't think you really meant most of the things you said, I really didn't. Maybe I was afraid to believe them. I don't know. I'm really young, Murphy, I'm just a crazy mixed-up kid." For the first time, and for a brief moment, she smiled at her words.
"You certainly are, and that's one of the reasons I love you. Look, if you weren't so screwed up, you'd have found one of those Princeton guys with a hell of a better future than I have. Although, I must add, my future got a lot brighter today."
"Did Jim put the deal with B&H together?"
"Bingo. And he's saved the jobs of almost every person in the place-- at least, all the sales people."
"I'm happy for you, Sean, and I'm happy for everybody there, but I've still got this problem, and I want you to say you agree with me. We'll still be together, and if we work out, we can have children. When we're ready."
"Well, I'm ready. Tell you what; let's get married tomorrow. I'll go with you, and we'll tell your parents together. Hey, he can't fire me anymore-- I don't work for him."
"Did he sign the papers?" I wasn't sure, but I knew that was only a formality.
"I don't know, but all of the manufacturers have become involved. It's too late for him to get out now. And it would cost him almost a million bucks-- forget it. Come on, what do you think your professor would say? Isn't he the guy who taught you to live in the moment? Let's go for it." She started to cry, rather loudly.
"Come on. I don't exactly know what you're crying about, but I think we need to get some air." As soon as we got outside, she walked directly to my car and stood by the passenger side door, waiting for me to hit the remote. I didn't.
"Can't we go for a walk? It's a nice night."
"Please drive me to my car."
"I don't understand."
"Please." I drove the half-mile back to my place, and she was out the door before I had the key out of the ignition.
"Where are you going in such a rush? I've got the house key, you know?"
"I'm not going in. I'm going to tell you something, but not before I get in my car." I walked with her, and watched her get in behind the wheel and open the driver's side window. She started up the car.
"Listen to me. I'm sorry, but I had an abortion last week. I lied to you, and I'm sorry." She wasn't crying, but she was having a lot of trouble getting her words out. She reminded me of one of the little foster kids I shared a family with who would get breathless when she was confessing a crime that she knew would result in the strap.
"I was sure it was the right thing to do when I did it. It IS the right thing. You'll come to see I was right." She rolled up the window and drove off.
I wish I could better describe the rest of that night beyond my being in a fog. I went from never having any real family, to having a child of my own, to finding out the child is dead. Murdered by its mother.
Pro-choice, that's always been my position. It's the woman's body; it's her right to choose what to do with it. Men shouldn't be making laws dictating to women how to deal with the very personal decision of abortion. Certainly not within the first three months, when the child doesn't even look like a child, and wouldn't be able to live on its own, if extracted from the mother's womb.
I knew all the words-- had them down. And I still believe them. I truly do. Except when it comes to my child, or more precisely, the child I could have been a father to. It hurts as much now as it did that day, and yet here I am, pushing my rapidly-aging Honda through Pennsylvania truck traffic on Route 80, trying to get back and see if I can make a go of it with the woman whose body nurtured my child for ten weeks before she extinguished its life. Using a procedure which I purposely continue to be unaware of.
I had great difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep that night, until around four in the morning. Some combination of clock radio and telephone woke me a couple of hours later, and in the confusion, I let the phone ring until the answering machine kicked in.
"Sean, it's me-- pick up. Please pick up. I've got to talk to you. I'm so sorry. I know you're there-- please pick up the phone. I'm going to keep calling you until I get you, and I'll come to your office if I have to. Pick up the damn phone, Sean Murphy."
It was as if I was too weak to lift my arms. Not that they were tied to my sides, not that there was some weight holding them down; I just didn't have the strength to lift them.
True to her word, she hung up and immediately called back. I dropped the tee shirt and briefs I wore to bed on the floor, and walked to my bathroom. And that's where the first and only tears I shed over the death of my child disappeared in the hot water and steam.
I got into my office a little later than usual, only to find a note on my desk from Jim. It asked me to get up to his office the minute I came in.
"Come in and close the door." Jim was smoking a cigar in his windowless office at eight o'clock in the morning-- not the best of signs.
"Sit down, and wait until I finish before you say anything. Jack called me last night and told me Ruthless told him she overheard part of our conversation yesterday afternoon. For some reason, she came back upstairs for something, after she left us sitting in my office."
"Shit, I bet I know what happened. When I came downstairs last night I found that I had a flat tire. She must have seen it first. The old bastard hates me so much she wanted the pleasure of telling me, so she came back upstairs at just the right time. Or just the wrong time."
"Yeah, that's got to be it. And-- just our luck-- she had to have come in around the part where I asked you about Kathy. Where it would have been clear to her that you and Kathy had been seeing each other for some time. And that I'd been aware of it for all, or at least a big chunk, of that time." I was still reeling from the night before, but the gravity of the situation wasn't eluding me.
"What did he say? I mean what..."
"He gave me five minutes on what a shock it was for him to be hurt like this by his best friend. His lifetime buddy. He couldn't understand why I didn't rat you out; he couldn't understand what HIS daughter could see in a guy like you. You know what, Murph, the guy was crying. I've known the bastard for almost thirty-five years, and I'd never seen him shed a fuckin' tear until the last few days, and now I've seen him do it twice."
"Kathy told me he cries a lot, has for some time. What's he going to do?"
"He was really, really pissed, and hurt at the same time. He didn't let me say anything once I didn't deny it. How could I, man? He knew she wasn't going to make stuff like that up. Even if he knew she hates you, he knows she likes me. Or liked me. Shit, how the fuck could she have liked me and done that? Is her hatred for you that great, that she'd throw me over to get at you?" I'd always had a theory about Ruthless, though I never expressed it to anyone.
"How about this: Ruthless loves Jack. I mean REALLY loves Jack. And she'd do anything to get closer to him."
"How the fuck does breaking his heart get her closer to him?"
"Who's his best friend? Okay, WAS his best friend?" Jim was slowly nodding his head. "That's right: you, Big Jim. Now who's his best buddy?"
"Fuckin' Ruthless? I don't know-- maybe you have something there. Maybe the old man's been nailing her-- ever think of that?"
"Actually, I did-- she's got a decent body under that witch face."
"She's not that bad when she smiles, Murph, not that you've ever seen her smile. Meanwhile, enough about Ruthless. She got us; she burned us. The last thing he said on the phone was that he was going to sleep on it, but he didn't see how he could let something like this go unpunished."
"Unpunished? What the fuck does that mean? Beyond making our lives miserable here for the next week. Once we go over, he's out of the picture." Jim was shaking his head. I had an idea what he was about to say, but I let him say it.
"He said he had a good mind to not sign the deal. Fuck you guys, and fuck the money-- those were his words. I'm hoping he drank himself to sleep and woke up with a different plan. I don't know, though-- that girl is his life, Sean."
"You got that right. Shit, this could be a mess. We-- I-- might have screwed everybody! Jeez, even Scully isn't a big enough asshole to do that. Is he?"
"He is. I don't think he'll do it, but he is. Go down to your office, and just make like nothing's happened. Let's see what happens when he comes in."
Go down to my desk as if nothing happened. Right. I spent the next hour watching the parking lot through my window for Scully's Benz. At a little after nine, he came tooling in, big black heart in his big black car. I spun my chair around, slumped down, and waited. It didn't take long for my phone to ring.
"Sean, come on up to Jack's office, right now."
"Good morning, Ruthless, how are you today?" She never moved her eyes from her computer, never stopped typing. She must have been loving this. Scully's door was open. I hesitated as I stepped inside.
"Come in and sit down, Murphy." Jack was behind his desk, hands clasped, leaning on his elbows. Jim was on the sofa, diagonally away from Jack, leaving a chair for me directly in front of his huge, empty desk. The sun was roaring through the window directly behind Scully. Perfect, the criminal in the interrogation room, bright light in his eyes. I was waiting for somebody to offer me a cigarette.
"You know what you are, Murphy? You're a scumbag. A fuckin' scumbag. I give you a job, I put you in charge of the whole goddamn retail department, make you a fuckin' vice-president, and what do you do? You fuck me. You do the one thing you know would drive me up a wall. There's millions of girls out there, Murphy. I asked you to stay away from one. ONE. You think she hasn't had enough problems in her life? She certainly doesn't need to be mixed up with a guy fifteen years older than her, a guy without the security she needs in life. A guy, Murphy, frankly, not in her league. You think I sent her to Princeton to wind up with you?" I wanted to get up, say 'fuck you, asshole', and walk out. But I kept thinking about all of the people counting on going over to B&H. I needed to know what he had in mind. I looked at Jim.
"You can tell him what you think, Sean-- it's not going to matter now. Isn't that right, Jack?"
"He's right, Murphy. Go ahead-- doesn't matter. You and Jim are through. I talked to Murry Birnbaum a little while ago. You don't have to worry about your people; you only have to worry about yourself. And Jim over there. You guys are out, and the deal goes down as planned. If you think Murray really could give one shit about you guys, you're crazy. He wants the lines, and he'll get them. And I'll get my money and get the fuck out of this business. And you lying motherfuckers can go look for work." His eyes were bulging, his hands were trembling. He looked like he was about to have a stroke.
"One more thing, Murphy: don't waste your time calling Kathy. She told me she doesn't want anything more to do with you. Now, both of you, get the fuck out of my office and out of my building."
I looked at Jim as he got up from the sofa and began to walk to the door. I started to follow him, but had to move out of his way as, after opening the door, he abruptly stopped and spun around to face Jack. Scully had already turned his chair toward the window and away from us, and he stayed that way as Jim got some-- but I dare say, not all-- of the hurt and frustration off of his heart. With the door open, Ruthless was no more than eight feet from where Jim was standing. I was able to see her; hands folded on her lap as she witnessed the dissolution of a thirty-five-year relationship that had long ago ceased to be a friendship. I wondered if she was happy with what she had done.
"I'm not sure what happened to you over the years, Jack, but you're not close to the young man who I considered a brother, and you're nothing like the man who started this business, and made it one of the top food brokers in New York. Maybe I should know, but I can't, for the life of me, figure out what the hell turned you so sour on all of the people that worked so hard to help make this company what it was-- WAS-- and why you decided to just sit back and let it die.
"And your anger at Sean-- a good man, who was effective enough to reach the position of vice-president in YOUR company-- is misplaced, to say the least. I know you love Kathy. I know you adore that girl, but what you're doing is going to hurt what you and she have. If your daughter and Sean want to be together, you'll never stop them, and if you don't know that, you're a bigger fool than I already think you are.
"My conscience is clear, Jack. Even when you were making all those choices that were slowly ruining Scully Sales, we always found a way to deal with them and move forward as best we could, to keep the business going. Even the terribly wasteful death of this company wound up putting more money in your pocket; and God willing, most of the good people you don't give a shit about will have jobs that last with Murray." Jack finally turned his chair back to facing us. He looked like he was about to say something.
"Don't bother. Whatever it is you want to say, Jack, I don't want to hear it. A minute ago I accused you of letting this company die. That's really not true-- you killed it, as sure as I'm standing here, and if you don't watch out, you're going to kill the relationship with the only person left in the world that you care about. And then what the hell would you have to live for? Answer that, Jack... but answer it to yourself after I leave."
As I followed Jim out the door we both heard Jack. "Wait, wait a minute. Come back, I want to say something." His voice, continuing to call out, faded as we walked down the stairs. We walked into my office and closed the door. Jim looked to be near tears, so I started a conversation, anything not to see him cry.
"You think the old man will follow us down to make his points, whatever the hell they were?"
"I think he'll consider that, but not do it. It's over-- he knows it, and I know it. He's not so stupid that he doesn't understand that I hung on only to do my best for the rest of his staff. They're as good off as I could have hoped so throwing me out of the mix now doesn't matter. And I'll get you something wherever I wind up. I've told you that before and I meant it."
"I know you will, but I also know it won't-- it can't-- be very close to what I had here, or what you'd lined up for me at B&H. And I'll tell you what, rather than be a retail supervisor again, even for a day, I'd rather get the hell out this business. In fact I'm considering, strongly considering, getting the hell out of New York. And quickly, like maybe tomorrow." Jim had a sort of quizzical smile on his face.
"So you and Kathy are going to elope to Las Vegas? Or perhaps a justice of the peace and a little house in New Hampshire?"
"She's not part of my plans, Jim. I was going to talk to you about this when I saw you this morning but old Jack got in the way."
"Jesus Christ, you're serious. What happened?"
"You know what irony is? Irony is you telling Jack how awful it was that he chose to kill his business. Kathy told me last night that she was pregnant and was considering an abortion. When I told her I thought we should take a little time and go over our options she pushed the abortion choice. Hey, I went so far, and don't ask me if I would really have done it because I don't know, I went so far as to ask her to marry me, tomorrow, today actually. Then she told me the truth."
"She already had done it huh?" I nodded, now it was my turn to have difficulty holding back the tears.
"I'm sorry, that sucks, it really sucks. I'd feel exactly as you feel." He hesitated a moment. "But it's over you know? I think you can see, at least a little how a girl in her situation might come to that decision, how she might just want to do it and get it over with."
"But not tell me, no I can't see it. No."
"She may be twenty-two but she's not dumb. What guy who never had a family is going to agree to let a girl that he loves get an abortion? She knew in her heart what your reaction would be; it wouldn't take a psychic to figure that out. How did the discussion end by the way, what did you say to her?"
"Nothing, she never gave me a chance. She just told me and drove away."
"Hmm, that was a mistake, she let you stew on it overnight and now you want to make almost as bad a decision as she did. Why don't you think about what you want to do for a couple of days, talk to her, then decide. don't do something you'll regret."
"I already did."
We kind of just sat there for a few moments, mulling over our separate issues. I don't care what Jim said; there's no way this whole thing with Jack couldn't have hurt him bad. Excuse me, badly. So he was sitting there hurting and I was bemoaning the fate that cost me a child I hadn't even known of. What a pair we were. A knock at the door broke our spell.
"Guys, it's Rick, may I?"
"Come on in Buddy, sit down and say good-bye to us. We just the got word the old man wants us out, right now." Jim had been sitting quietly in front of my desk, with his feet on the stacks of crap STILL all over it until Rick's reply.
"Yeah I know."
"You know, how do you know, what the hell do you know? Jesus, that fuckin' Ruthless."
"You're right, she told Louise in billing about you guys, about Sean and Kathy and everything. Louise thought I'd be interested. Christ, Sean, you old son of a bitch!"
I didn't want to get into any of that at that point, I just wanted to get out, get out of town. But I did think Jim was right, that I should take it slow, take a few days to decide exactly what I wanted to do, if I really wanted to leave New York.
"Jim, I'm going to get out of here, I'll come back in a day or two to clean out my stuff. Can I call you tonight?"
"Better yet, let's go out to dinner, just me and you. Sorry Rick, we free agent guys have to stick together. Tell you what, how about you going up to my office and getting us a couple of cigars, top left draw. Sean, drop by my place at around seven, Maureen has Yoga tonight, it works perfectly."
I actually didn't think anything of his idea other than how good it sounded. I'd known Jim for ten years and we'd never gone out at night alone together, I should have realized there was a very special reason for his invitation.
On my drive home I thought a lot about Kathy but I just couldn't reconcile her decision with her supposedly loving me. At the very least she didn't understand what love was about. And it certainly wasn't that I stopped loving her but I was convinced that all, ALL things considered we'd just never make it. Of course, here I am about to cross into New Jersey on my way back to her and I'm only a little less convinced.
"let's go to that place near your apartment Murph, what's it called?
"Mahoney's? You want to go to Mahoney's? Jeez, I don't mind driving big guy but it's a stones throw from my place."
"I know but I wanted to talk to you about something in total privacy, like in your car. And after you heard it I wanted you to be somewhere you'd be very comfortable."
"Whoa, big stuff, huh? Lay it on me man." I thought it might have something to do with his and possibly my job opportunity, if I decided to stay in New York that is. Of course if I'd have had more time to think it through I'd like to think I would have realized there couldn't have been anything along those lines that needed THAT much security.
"Let me get right to the point. I'm going to tell you something very shocking, so take a deep breath now and don't run the car off the road. Are you ready?"
"Come on, I'm ready."
"Breath."
"Come on."
"Breath, a big deep breath." I did it.
"Okay, go."
"Kathy Scully is my daughter. Jack doesn't know it, although he knows she's not his. Mary and Jack were separated for a while and during that time she and I had an affair. I was seeing Maureen but we weren't yet married. Actually we were engaged. And no, Maureen doesn't know." I couldn't think of the right thing to say. I looked at Jim for a couple of seconds and looked back at the road.
"So if I had married her you would have been my father-in-law."
"You're taking this very well, I'm impressed."
"To tell you the truth, I just didn't know what else to do except to make a lame joke. Wait a minute, I've got something that I never told you. Get this. Kathy told me she knew she was adopted. She said she heard them arguing one night when they didn't realize she was in her bedroom."
"Adopted? How could she have gotten that idea? What did she say they said?"
"I think she said that her mother was ragging Jack about being glad they couldn't have a child, that it would grow up to be a drunk like Jack. And that Jack accused her of knowing she'd have trouble having kids but not telling him because she was afraid he wouldn't marry her."
"Well, that fits. After they got back together Mary told Jack the baby she was carrying was from some guy who she'd a short relationship with who then disappeared. They then spent years trying to have their own without any luck. Jack told me it was Mary's problem, caused by the pregnancy with Kathy. Christ, so all these years she thought Jack and Mary weren't her real parents. Did she ever confront either of them on it?"
"No, she said she just felt strange about the whole thing. Man, I feel like I'm watching a movie."
"A soap opera."
"Yeah, I guess so." I had questions but I really didn't want to ask them. Jim knew.
"You're quiet, Sean. You must be wondering about some things."
"Not really. I mean, what's there to ask?" I lied.
"Come on Murph, like how could I be fuckin' around with my best friend's wife, separated or not. Or how was it living all these years knowing I have a daughter and not being any real part of her life. And Maureen, keeping it from her. Be honest Murph, I just dropped down a few notches."
"Not true, you made a mistake and you didn't compound it. So you're not perfect, welcome aboard."
We got quiet for several minutes. It had begun to rain during Jim's, I hesitate to use the word confession and I must have noticed at some level, my windshield wipers were on. But I had no recollection of turning the knob, in fact I remember being as disjointed as the moment that Kathy told me about our baby, God rest its soul.
We had dinner at my favorite hangout without getting back to the subject of Jim and Mary though we did speak a lot about Kathy and me. After about an hour it hit me. Jim was in the middle of a sentence.
"Wait a minute, holy shit. There I was telling you these stories about, eh... about having sex in atypical settings with my daughter. Yeah, it was a little weird but what else could I do but just go along, laugh at the right times, give advice when I could. I must admit, sometimes it was really tough."
"Atypical settings? Nice term."
"Considering she's my daughter, do you have a better one for me?"
"Nope, that's just fine. Atypical settings. Of course, you've heard your last story about, you know..."
"I understand and I appreciate that."
The conversation drifted back to my immediate future. I told him I had decided to take a trip back to the town I went to college in. I wasn't exactly sure why but it felt like the thing to do. He was listening carefully, nodding his head. He felt it sounded like an extension of my foster family quest. He felt going back to South Dakota was more about me filling in one more blank.
As usual he was correct. Whether I found Cindy Barth or not I wanted to be there, drive through the campus, walk around the town again. Try to figure out why I made such a mess of that period of my life. Jim assured me I'd come to realize that I'd made a very long trip just to remind myself that when I was eighteen I was eighteen. But he said if I didn't do it now it would probably haunt me forever.
His use of the word haunt stayed with me. I tried to imagine how it would feel to be Jim. How being the father of the child my best friend raised would haunt ME. Worse, how it would feel seeing my child grow up but not being able to share my love for her. I found those things absolutely unimaginable, I couldn't relate to them at all. I still can't.
It's almost eleven o'clock, I'm exhausted and I'm still almost two hours from Wantagh. I'm going to stop in a motel and call Kathy. It took her months to get her old man, her cheap old man to give her a separate phone line and he insisted on putting that damn caller ID on it. I rarely called her at home, I was always afraid I'd get one of her parents and have to ask them for Joe Schmo and get out. But they'd see the number I called from and maybe figure out it was me. Kathy told me I was paranoid and I was but I'm thinking of calling her right now... No. I'm not sure what I'd say. Or maybe I'm afraid she's not home and then I'll start wondering where the hell she is at this time of night. I think I'll wait. I'm going to visit her in person tomorrow night, Jack be damned. And if I don't see her car I'll wait to the next night, it's the last leg of my quest and there's every reason in the world to believe it'll be the messiest but what the hell.
I'm in Wantagh, back at my apartment. It's only been three and
a half days but it's the longest trip I've made since I moved
here four years ago. Got to get a real life Sean. I'm going to
hang out, do some wash, get in a good run and drive over to
Jack's house around the time they're having their after dinner
coffee. Not that I know they drink coffee after dinner, I
certainly was never invited over there for dinner or anything
else except his Christmas parties. But if things go as I'm
planning I may be spending lots of time there. I know that sounds
overly optimistic but I've got this feeling that Jack may have
realized the sensibility of Jim's words. Jesus Christ, it sounds
strange saying Jim and Jack in the same sentence now. What a
difference a little knowledge makes.
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Material Copyright © 1998-2003 by Jim Bearden