June 16th marked the first anniversary of Harold Stoneman's death. When no one had come to claim the body or make funeral arrangements, it had been Margaret who'd come forth to take charge. She'd paid for a plot in the little cemetery near the golf course, just a few blocks from the north ferry. And she'd brought the headstone, had the words "Harold Stoneman, a good man, Rest in Peace" put on that stone. And she'd placed flowers on it on his birthday and on Christmas. She was there now for the first time with Randy.
"Do you think about what happened much anymore? You haven't mentioned it in a long time."
"I try not to think about it but when I do it's unbelievably painful. I have to work hard at not letting it hurt me; you know what I mean? I know in my heart that I didn't do anything to hurt the poor man but I also know that if I wasn't so goddamn pushy with him he'd be alive today."
"I don't think you can say that with any kind of certainty sweetheart. He was a really troubled guy and when that store finally closed he would have been a basket case don't you think?"
"Yeah I know but come on, I've thought about all this a thousand times and what I did put him over the top. I can't just say to myself, convince myself that if it weren't me it would have been something else. I can't do that Randy; damn this is so hard. It hurts so much to talk about it. I'll tell you something else.
I dream a lot about working in the store. But Harold is never there. It's like he didn't exist, he's not my boss. He's not there at all. And nobody ever comes to the counter. I wait and wait but nobody sits down. There's people in the store, sometimes Rita's there but no customers. In the dream I keep wondering why no one comes."
"From what you've told me and from what we found in the investigation you were as close to a friend as he'd had in years. Maybe in many years.
"Come on honey, remember what I told you when you were questioning me that first time? Remember what I said?"
"I do actually, you said something like 'some friend I was.' I remember."
"I'll you what, I'd give every penny I have to bring him back, to have never been involved in his death. It's just like yesterday."
"Come on, I'm not gonna turn you around on this while we're looking at his gravestone. We'll talk about it at home."
Margaret kissed her hand and pressed it against the stone. "Good-bye sweet man, I'm so sorry."
Randy gently guided her away from the cemetery and wondered what exactly he could say to reduce the hurt in the women he'd come to love so much. He didn't come up with anything that day.
Edward James was nearing five months old and his young parent's lives had developed a rather smooth, though not very exciting rhythm. Even though he was happy to be playing for pay again, Eddie's level of enthusiasm had diminished proportionally with any hopes for a real future for the band. Not a man to fake his feelings (if he showed them) Eddie's attitude toward Tommy was all too clear to his old friend and caused a change in their relationship recognizable to Brian and Mike and Rita. And for several different reasons, no one had chosen to openly address the situation.
Rita had recently found the urge to go back to work growing very strong. Not necessarily bored with her life, she'd come to the conclusion that some limited time away from the house and baby would do her some good. And Margaret, having already enrolled Robert in nursery school beginning in September, was a source of encouragement for Rita.
As a detective, Randy worked very unusual hours and by not working, Margaret was always there when Randy wasn't home. If she took a job they'd often just pass each other coming and going. Therefore, she very much wanted to see Rita work and have Edward James stay with her.
Eddie had grown cold to the idea of Rita working. She wasn't sure (and Eddie wasn't clear) as to why. He sometimes said he didn't like the idea of Edward James not being with his mother at such a tender age. He sometimes projected an uncharacteristically macho attitude of "I'm the provider." Rita surmised it all had to do with his unrest (she didn't like to think of it as unhappiness), with the fact his dream of being a big time drummer had faded. But whatever the reason, it had become a source of irritation in their marriage and remained unresolved. Her attempts to confront Eddie with the issue, to try to get to his real feelings were fruitless. He denied any problem existed and just said he felt more comfortable with his wife at home.
Almost as a balance to his ongoing disagreement with Rita, Eddie was enjoying fatherhood. Though openly impatient for Edward James to grow old enough to allow Eddie to fulfill his promise of circuses and baseball games, Eddie still spent great chunks of time with his son. Satisfied at first to just walk around the house with him, now that he was moving out of infancy, able to smile and crawl and laugh, Eddie got through his boring days at the store thinking of and telling stories about him. Just saying the words "my son" continued to give him a sense of pride and accomplishment. And he found it easier to let go, a little bit anyway, of his own dreams as he began to formulate dreams for his son.
On a beautiful late June morning with Edward James keeping himself busy in his playpen Rita saw an ad for a counter girl in the new five and ten. It had taken many months but someone had finally rented the old Shelter Island F.W.Woolworth building. The store was opening in early August and listed many opportunities but one was perfect for Rita. A job she could do in her sleep, in a building she'd already worked in and with over a month for her to get Eddie used to the idea. She called Margaret, confirmed that her friend was still itching to watch Edward James and said that she'd wanted to walk the baby over to her house before going over to apply. Margaret said that Robert was playing over at a friend's home and she'd like to see the store again anyway.
"How about if we meet in an hour"
Rita found herself more excited than she'd been in months as she prepared a bottle for Edward James. She apologized to Missy for running out of milk and put some cat food in her plate, increased the quantity of milk on her shopping list, fed Huey, Dewey and Louie, checked Edward James again, now sucking comfortably on his bottle in his playpen and jumped in the shower. The hot water was calming though not diminishing her enthusiasm. Working behind a counter may not have sounded very exciting to most people but to Rita it brought back so many wonderful memories that they seemed to flow over each other with the consistency of the shower water. Before she could get to the end of telling Eddie about the job opportunity she'd flash to the two of them dancing together in the back of the store.
She pictured poor Mr. Stoneman but quickly buried that memory. This was a time to be happy, for only sweet remembrances. She thought about the smiles on the faces of the old ladies when she'd brought them the hot fudge sundaes they all seemed to love so much; her first pay check and how she enjoyed that first Christmas when she was able to buy really neat presents with the money her job had earned her. Only when the hot water started cooling down did she realize she'd been in the shower for close to ten minutes. If she was going to have time to dry her hair, get dressed and make the fifteen-minute walk to the new store and still be on time to meet Margaret she'd really have to move. She threw on a robe and headed downstairs to check on Edward James while mentally planning out what to wear for her first job interview in four years. As she reached the den where her son's playpen was located the phone rang. She turned away, walked to the kitchen and picked it up. It was Margaret calling to say she was running late. But as Margaret was in mid-sentence Rita realized what she'd only seen for a second. She dropped the phone and ran into the den. Missy was lying on a very still Edward James, her body over his face as she was licking the nipple of his bottle. Rita screamed and as the cat jumped out of the playpen she could see that Edward James had spit up a good deal of milk on himself. Rita reached down and picked him up. He was limp. She first felt for a pulse in his wrist then tried his neck. She placed her ear against his chest. Nothing. She began to shake almost uncontrollably but managed to carry Edward James in her arms as she ran back to the phone.
"Margaret, he's not breathing and I can't find a heartbeat. What do I do? Oh, God!"
Margaret gave her instructions as best she could remember in how to do CPR, told her to hang up to clear the line so she could call for help. Within a few moments Margaret was in Rita's kitchen, watching a ghostly white young girl try to force life into a ghastly blue baby.
"Let me do it for a while. You're gonna pass out." Margaret tried to pull Rita away but it was as if she were trying to pull a brick out of a wall. She backed away and in a moment the rescue squad workers were there. Rita gave Edward James to them and watched as they slipped an oxygen mask over the baby's face and continued to administer CPR. But she tried to keep in physical contact with her son, tried to hold on to his legs, his feet, anything she get to. She was on her knees as was the rescue worker. Another worker was gently trying to pry her away, finally succeeding only with Margaret's help. Almost immediately upon raising her to her feet Rita collapsed in their arms. They laid her down on the floor and placed an oxygen mask over her face as the man working on Edward James continued to press again and again on his tiny chest. In a moment Rita had regained consciousness and for a second or two didn't remember what had just happened. When she did, she began to sob.
"My baby. Please save my baby. Oh, God. Please make him breath. Is he breathing?"
Two rescue squad workers and Margaret kept her from the man still valiantly working on her son.
"Give him room. Please, come here and sit down."
One of the men guided her to a chair in the den. He gently forced her into it as Margaret sat on the arm of the chair and tried to comfort her. Rita began to rock forward and back, slowly then somewhat faster. She'd stopped shaking and her breathing was much slower. Margaret was stroking her head as one of the workers came into the room. He whispered several sentences into Margaret's ear. She nodded and said something back to the man. He took her place next to Rita as Margaret called the I.G.A. and got a busy signal, called Sherry Brown and spoke to her for a moment and finally called the precinct and left a message for Randy. She returned to the den to find Rita exactly as she had left her. She looked out the window and saw the ambulance pulling away and together with the remaining rescue worker lifted a now obviously in shock Rita up off of the chair. They half walked, half carried her to Margaret's car and drove toward the north ferry and the Greenport Hospital. The man drove as Margaret sat with Rita in her lap. She was still rocking but was now in a nearly fetal position. As they rode the ferry Margaret began to weep the long, hot tears of grief.
Sherry Brown wanted to be the one to tell her son. She found him in the back room of the store on a coffee break. When she asked the two people sitting with Eddie to leave, he immediately thought something had happened to his father.
"What's wrong, Mom? Is Dad all right?"
"Daddy's fine, Eddie. Come on we've got to get to the hospital. Edward James was hurt."
She grabbed his wrist and pulled him along.
"What happened? Is it serious? What happened?"
Sherry didn't want to tell Eddie any more than she had to, especially in the store. Eddie continued to insist she tell him what she knew. As they drove out of the parking lot toward the ferry, Sherry finally gave him the situation as she understood it. She told him that the rescue squad worker told Margaret the baby was gone, that he didn't think they could revive him but were keeping the oxygen mask on anyway and would continue to do CPR. Eddie refused to believe his son was dead.
"You'll see. We'll get to the hospital and he'll be okay. You'll see." He was rubbing his hands together and then rubbing them along the top of his thighs. Like Rita he was rocking, more noticeably but more sporadically. They caught the ferry after Margaret and Rita and while on it Eddie got out of the car. He had to walk, had to break the tension. Sherry stayed behind the wheel at first, started to get out of the car to comfort her son, then decided to let him alone. When he got back in the car he was crying softly with his head in his hands.
"It can't be true, Mom. It can't happen. It's my son, Mom. I can't lose my son." He was now completely bent over with his hands on top of his head.
Eddie Brown and his mother got to the hospital seconds after Rita and Margaret were told that Edward James Brown had been officially pronounced dead. A nurse was sitting with the two women who were holding hands and staring straight ahead. Sherry Brown introduced herself to the nurse who explained the doctor had given Rita the option of seeing her child before she left. She said that Rita had only managed to nod her head and that Margaret had asked if they could wait for Eddie to get there. The young father was standing next to but slightly behind his mother, seemingly wanting his mother to deal with the words that would devastate him and change his life forever. But he'd heard every word the nurse said and now for the first time since the tragedy he looked at Rita, still staring into space. He wanted to and knew that he should take the few steps over to her and sit at her side and comfort her. But the pain, the numbness, the indescribable feeling of emptiness froze him. Sherry reached for her son's hand and as she did he began to slowly crumble to the floor. First to a hunched over position with his knees bent and his hands holding him steady, then to a sitting position with one leg wrapped under him. He wasn't crying. Sherry got down on the floor next to him and wrapped her arms around him. The nurse sitting next to Rita, a woman in her fifties who'd seen every imaginable scene of grief in her long career would many times tell friends that this was the single saddest moment she'd witnessed in her professional life.
It was left for Rita to get up and take Eddie's hand.
"Come on. We've got to go see him." Determination was the dominant emotion on her face and Eddie recognized it. He got up, put his arm around his wife and turned to the nurse.
"Please."
The nurse got up quickly and led Eddie, Rita and Sherry Brown to a private room. She guided the young couple through the door and stood behind them. Sherry stood just behind the nurse. The room was a full-sized room with a crib, rails down. In the crib, its head on the pillow, wearing a tiny hospital gown but with no blanket covering his body was Edward James. He looked exactly like a little boy doll, placed there by a child, ready to be cuddled and loved. Rita started to go to him but the nurse grabbed her arm and whispered in her ear.
"Please, I can't force you not to but you'd rather remember how he felt alive."
Rita looked at the nurse for a moment before speaking.
"I know what he feels like. I held him a long time after he was gone. I know what a ... "
She walked to the bed, stood over her son and stroked his head for several seconds. She looked at Eddie who walked toward her and took her hand. As he did she bent over and kissed her baby's cheek. The coldness sent a chill through her body and she removed her lips quickly. She began to shake again noticeably and Eddie pulled her away.
"That's enough. Come on." She didn't resist but kept her head turned toward the bed as Eddie led her out the doorway and out of the hospital.
The next hour or so would feel like an eternity to Sherry Brown. She sat with Margaret, Rita and Eddie in her living room, four people in different stages of shock with a common denominator of monumental grief covering them, suffocating them. But she had elected to be the one to do the things that just had to be done. She soon recognized that she was the fortunate one now, the one with at least something to do, something that moved that weight she was feeling, ever so slightly, from her chest. She had to call Big Bob, her parents and Maryann. Between phone calls Dennis Brown walked in, not knowing what had happened. She had all she could do to keep her husband together, pleading with him to stay strong for the sake of his son and daughter-in-law. Dennis Brown did compose himself and he provided strength to the young couple with his gentle words. But as with all of the people around Rita and Eddie, the first time he was out of their sight he cried the deepest tears of his life and cursed the God that would be heartless enough to let this happen.
Before even discussing it with Rita, Sherry made the decision
that the baby would be buried the next day. If her parents
couldn't make it up from Florida in time that would be
unfortunate but she was not going to extend this horror any more
than she had to. From what it was doing to her as the
grandmother, she knew what the young parents must have been going
through and she felt that she had the power to reduce the torture
and would use it. But the grandparents and Big Bob made it up in
time and they all played out their roles in the nightmare that
never really ends.
Questions? Comments? Please send e-mail to jbearden@ieee.org
Material Copyright © 1998-2003 by Jim Bearden